A Wide Array of Emotions

Ever since Feb. 27, 2010, I have been feeling a wide array of very intense emotions. From fear to security, happiness to sadness & anguish, extreme frustration, illogical/irrational thoughts, anger, paranoia, stress, forgetfulness, pure exhaustion, adrenaline...the list could go on. I realize most of these emotions are negative or not all that healthy, but the fact is that is how I have been feeling the past 26 days since the earthquake.

The first two weeks or so I felt like I was walking on pins and needles 24/7. I was lucky to fall asleep at night. I woke up with the slightest movement of the bed. I slept with the lamp on beside my bed, my shoes ready to be slipped on and an emergency bag ready to go. I couldn't concentrate on work. The last thing I wanted to do was be in the office. I could see no point in working when so many people were in need. I was still jumpy with the movement felt at work and longed to be at home with my husband and puppy. After the big aftershocks on the 11th, the panic got stirred up again, but after being able to spend that day home with my family and rest a bit, thing started to look up. Life started to settle down again heading towards normalcy. The aftershocks have lessened, even though they say the biggest one has yet to come.

And although things "feel" and appear normal for the most part, the extreme emotions and stress that I underwent for weeks has had an affect on me. For one, I am exhausted. Every day wipes me out, I get home and want nothing more than to sleep. Even if I do go to bed early, waking up is the hardest part. I think part of it is because it is now pitch black outside at 7am since we didn't change our clocks. I am hoping that when we do change them on April 3rd, waking up will be a bit easier. I am still having problems staying focused. I did some research and apparently that is a side effect of being over stressed. Not only do you lose your focus, but your motivation and patience disappear too. Last week was the perfect example of that. I was thisclose to walking out on my job. I seriously couldn't handle another email from Corp sending some bs request for information that they already had. Completely irrational. I know that. But I couldn't help it and it took all the sanity I had left in me to finish out the week.

Luckily I was able to talk to Christian about feeling so overwhelmed and stressed. He took good care of me this weekend and let me sleep and rest because that is what I needed. I have not been sleeping well at all and I think both my body and mind were at a breaking point last week. There is only so much we can take and running on zero rest for several weeks is just not good. This week has started out much better and I hope it continues on the same path. I have decided that since I really need to focus on relaxing and getting a sufficient amount of rest, I need to try and simplify my life for the time being. No trying to work on the side business I have been wanting to launch. No pressuring myself to finish the books I have on my to-read list or stressing myself out over unnecessary details.

The earthquake has kind of caused an earthquake within myself.....making me take a closer look at my life and question where I am at and where I am going. I am hoping that after having simplifying things, I will be able to get a clearer picture of where I want to go...or rather where Christian and I want to go in life. I just feel like I need to get back to the basics in life--being with those who you love and doing something you love. I have the first part covered, but I need to figure out the second part. And in order to do so, I've got to clear my head and plate. That and hopefully take up some yoga to help relax.

We may not have lost anything important in the earthquake and I am so thankful for that. But it sure has affected me quite a bit and this past month has been anything but easy.