Do you ever feel like you are on the road to somewhere where you have no idea? I mean, like you don't know where you are going career-wise and although you have options, you don't know which ones to take? Well.....that is how I feel.
Ugf, who knows why sometimes I feel like this and other times no, but I sure wish I could stop feeling like this.
Back in college, I had clear goals, I knew what I wanted to do and how to get there. I was motivated to all ends to achieve those goals. The annual scholarship process helped me really consider my goals and document them. But then I came to Chile and my life changed, my outlook changed and my plans changed. Since I have graduated and have not had the need to really reflect on my goals and how I plan to achieve them. I feel like I use to have everything so clear and that kept me motivated to keep going even when things got difficult or boring or whatnot. And when I achieved my goals, it felt sooooo good.
Not that the changes that came out of study abroad in Chile have not been for the positive. They have....I would never give up what I learned during that year, meeting my husband or anything about it. But at the same time I feel like all of those changes were so dramatic in comparison to my previous goals that I can't get myself back on track. Now I don't know what to do with my life....where to go, how to make it fit with our international lifestyle that will always be there, etc. Do I want to stay in the same sort of position that I am in (financial accounting-related) or do I want to go the tax route (another viable option) or do I want to throw accounting out the window and do something all together different (event planning has crossed my mind a time or two)? All require an investment in furthering my studies or gaining more experience in order to be come successful.
There is that word: successful. What does it mean anyway? I know they say that each person should define success to them and go after that, but well I have to say that as a perfectionist, defining success becomes a pretty unattainable goal. I mean, I happen to be one of those people who when they do something, does it 100% or doesn't do it at all. I know this is a weakness of mine that I have to work on in the fact that I need to learn to take risks even though I am not 100% sure because big wins come with big risks. As Jenny mentions in her post, doing something is better than nothing. I have tried to implement starting small....but seriously, my perfectionist side gets to me and unless I can devote enough time or make official a new idea, it sadly goes stagnent. I want success, for me, to be having a career that I love....one that I wake up in the morning excited to do and one that I don't want to stop doing at night....but I also want to be able to live financially well. I have this right brain-left brain battle constantly going on. It is like when I was deciding what to major in.....do I go for dance/ballet because I love it or do I got for accouting/business because I am good at it, like it enough and it is practical? I took the practical route.....as always, choosing what seems like the logical and more stable career.
Then there is this other issue that plays a big role in what I am feeling: I want to be the boss. For those of you who know me, maybe this is no surprise to you. But, really, I want my own company. I want to call the shots. To be honest, I am tired of being the bottom rung, so to speak--always having my work reviewed by the higher ups, not being able to make decisions without consulting a plethora of people, etc. I mean, from one angle, it is obvious that things should be this way....I work at a multinational company that has certain policies and procedures in place and these things have to be followed. But on the other end, I just want to have that control. I have been working since i was 15 and a half and I feel like that is enough experience, even if it isn't all considered "professional". It would be a dream come true to have my own business and it be viable financially. The next question to conquer would be what kind of business? Well, I have about a million different ideas about businesses that I think would be good to start.
Does this boil down to a question of too many options? Maybe.....but, I also can't seem to shake this sort of lost feeling that I have in that I want to know where I am headed. I want to decide where I am headed and move in that direction. Of course I know that plans will change, but I went from having a detailed plan to not having one and well, I need to find a middle ground.
It doesn't help that we are in between two countries all of the time. We think we know when we will head back to the US....but of course it is really all dependent on the economy, the visa application process, and a ton of other things.
Sorry for the ramble.....I tried talking to Christian about these things and while he is a great listener, he was not so good at giving me the feedback I need. I think I need to find a mentor who would be open to discussing these topics with me. I have some in the States, but the distance makes it kind of difficult to maintain such personal relationships. I mean, I just don't feel comfortable contacting them and dumping all of this stuff on them. And here in Chile, well I just don't have a mentor of that sort. I have my friends who are also great to talk to, but we all have busy lives, some may be feeling the same way and while talking about it and generating ideas with them is good, it is hard for us to get the chance to get together and talk. Forget about phone conversations.....with calls being at least US $0.50 per minute, that just isn't an option. Which for now leaves me with my blog. And all of you out in the blog-o-sphere. So thanks for being there. I needed to get this off my chest.